everything | colored | irridiscent
the world to me
looks like light through
stained glass panels
but all it sees in me are
my cold shaded eyes
and feels only my
cold hollow heart
not knowing
how much i am
in love with it
and admiring it
from the center
of my room
[10:29 PM] do you care? do you ... at all ... even care? :(
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[12:36 AM] now i must be careful of over-saturating my ambitions.
hmmm. lesson for today: What is Risk?
Risk is having only one source of income ...
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Tuesday, January 27[11:21 PM] yes! feed me !! fee me life !! muhahaha
ok. time for my medication now.
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[10:33 PM] suddenly, there's a change of perspective. like a shift in my view.
i must do this more often. :)
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[10:24 PM] alright, new point of interest: Stocks.
i think i should read this everyday along with my Japanese reading hobby.
yeah :D
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[7:32 PM] you're distant. you don't feel you belong?
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[7:20 PM] am i ok with this? am i ok with this? :(
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[6:39 PM] looks like my blog is up and going again.
Boys Don't Cry
- Plumb
you sit there on the couch
sipping your scotch and ice
you turn the tv on
and tune me out again
So what would you say to me
if you could talk to meYou could ask anything
i wouldn't lie
but you are ok with this
damaging awkwardness
so i'll just keep playing it safe
and keep it inside
'cause boys don't cry
I used to hold your hand
So tight there was no question
But now even when you are near
i've never felt so alone
if you just stand beside me
i'll keep you in my life
tell me how much you love me
and i'll be just fine
Don't be afraid of me
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[12:13 AM] going to go jogging tonight btw. one of the few activities that grants me respite from depression.
depression? wait a minute. this is a new year. gotta get those emotional toxins out of my mind. shoo!! shoo!!
thought 2:
lately, i've been trying Green Tea lotion (a gift last December made up of three others: Lavender, Juniper, and Vanilla). it was the scent that kind of cheers me up when i feel like submerging in confusion and mind-aches.
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Monday, January 26[6:58 PM] just watched American Pie 2 last night. had a blast laughing (amidst the channel switching to the anime channel). the story struck a deep chord in me though, because of the multi-faceted relationships embedded in it:
- a guy looking to be with the girl of his fantasies (not dreams, k, there's a difference)
- a girl falling in love to the guy she is helping
- a guy having a hard time letting go of his ex
- a girl trying to keep the friendship but ends up hurting her ex
- girl and guy having it good (the ideal ofcourse, but boring)
- guy finally realizing the big picture and decides to keep the friendship
- guy finally admitting to himself that he has fallen in love with the person he treated as an 'instrument'
- and guys just wanting to do umph umph :D
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[2:09 AM] defeated. yeah, that's the word. i feel defeated. time to stretch my muscles again.
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[1:15 AM] gotta keep my center. oh yeah. center. right. hawummmmmmmmmmmm *meditation hum*
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Sunday, January 25[2:53 AM] oh, my eyes feel hot right now. i have not fully removed the uneasy (LBM-inducing) feeling whenever she's around (uhm, actually, right behind me), but i think i'm adapting quite well.
i plan a date in intramuros. hmmm.
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[12:27 AM] hay. i'm at it again. nothing to stop the weird and down feeling except with music, downloading manga, dreaming, and stuff
kinda hard to breathe with all those thoughts in mind.
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Saturday, January 24[8:44 PM] this will be my self-conquering task for this year:
- to confront my past, as in face to face, eye to eye, teeth to teeth, fist to fist, at kung anu-anong pang puedeng ipang-confront (hopefully not tongue to tongue at lagot na naman ako)
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[7:47 PM] i feel like writing a lot today. a "strained" heart does a lot of wonders of inducing inspiration in writing. albeit, it may cause heart problems when i reach my middle age period.
doot-do-doot-do
doot-do-doot-do yeah yeah
let me be with you
- chobits soundtrack
right now well, i feel my heart is chopped to pieces, each slice falling off and coming back again. my mind, as usual, is a gamut of images and emotions. these are composed of:
- soundtrack of chobits
- images from the Ailes Graise anime (i'll be looking this one up later)
- words from the blog of my old flame (and how she's going in circles again and again)
- debating whether or not i should go on with a date my officemate, which i already told her
- more anime images, this time of Ghost in the Shell: Standalone Complex
- the opening THEME of Ghost in the Shell: Standalone Complex because it is FUCKING TOTALLY COOL
- what my officemate i wanted to date is thinking at the moment
- my being an ass last year to a person i've hurt over and over
- rationalizing my existence and if i'm doing good or being just totally an ass
- meaningless japanese words
- how my recent ex is doing (hope she's doing fine, she's a tough girl)
- my reluctance to go to Australia
- my obsession with perfection
- broken heart :S though not broken, more like uhm, "strained", like being pulled and twisted apart
- the sketches, the stories, the web comics i've been meaning to do
- my OVERLY AMBIVALENT and INCOHERENT mind, and my selective short-term memory *sigh*
- taking up the habit of imagining my conversations, and eventually spill out of my mouth making me look like i'm doing a monologue
alright. next blog !!!
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Thursday, January 22[10:30 PM] last night i feel like i was experiencing a nightmare while awake. been through that up til mid afternoon.
"have a little faith in me"...
"have a little faith in me"...
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[9:30 PM] what is it you fear?
what is it that you cannot say?
why do you keep witholding?
catch your breath.
you can do it.
erhm ...
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[9:29 PM] i need to get over a very big personality flaw -- the disability to express what i need to express. and stop bottling stuffs.
damn it francis. say something.
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[5:29 PM] but my damn head is aching. eow
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[5:29 PM] yay. she agreed !! :) now what to do what to do.
just to remind the curious me, dates don't have to be something like marriage proposals (she's traditional chinese). i just want the company at least.
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Wednesday, January 21[6:36 PM] showed her my site. tension slowly fading. i breathe in a sigh.
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[6:08 PM] oh yeah, still no loofa.
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[6:08 PM] still haven't asked her. which is bad because tension builds up each time i delay it (i know). and it saddens me because, why do i feel this way only a month after a break up?
on other news, bought insecticide and mosquito repellent last night. first time i had a good night sleep since monday.
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Tuesday, January 20[2:32 AM] two things:
1. ask her out tomorrow
2. buy loofa
there's another item, but i'll go to that if i remember it.
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Monday, January 19[6:42 PM] eto na naman, and puso ko, tumitibok-tibok at mayroong binubulong
:(
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Sunday, January 18[6:41 AM] since it is still january, might as well list what i want to do this year:
1. get my career up and going again. if it can't be done, plan my semi-retirement from IT. maybe study? teach? damn, have to decide about that as well. and soon !!
2. try and tie up my relationship with mec ... i can no longer count upon time to heal up everything. i no longer want to keep being angry about it. or at least find a compromise.
3. get my friends back from the mountaineering group. i miss those buttheads.
4. make sure to stay friends with gigi. oh, and buy her a refrigerator magnet. (note to self: should be something like a witch or a raisin)
5. check out how to get to australia soon.
6. learn how to make business, or any alternate form of employment ... and not let my tendency of messing things up because it's not perfect
7. be more sociable and uh, friendly (?)
these look like very big (and abstract) goals. especially the career/business part. i've always played it safe, never took a gamble on things. probably because, mom sheltered us from a lot of the intricacies in life we should've dealt. plus the fact that ever since college, i spent more time away from home resulting in me spared of the many family responsibilities. well, at least i'm responsible for supporting my brother's schooling. other than that, i have done next to nothing with regards to family matters. kind of a bad thing, if you think about it. i would never stay at home for too long anyway. i've always dreamt of having my own place and no longer pay for some lame rent :/ i could nga naman. but i prefer to have somebody else to rely on whenever i forget the keys to the front door.
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Saturday, January 17[12:17 AM] it's my mom's birthday yesterday. and i have a lot to write about today. now, where to start ey?
about my mom
- hay. mom's been through a lot. acting as the matriarch of our little clan (and i, the first son, hehehe) she has the authority to almost everything else ... even on matters about my uncles and cousins. just after i arrived, i told her "Happy Birthday Mama !!" and gave her a kiss. i casually asked her how old she's now: and well, she's 57. she then quickly added, "Kahit makaabot man lang ako sa kabaliktaran nun" (or something to that extent). 75? i think she'll reach that age. she's quite happy naman. and she's quite healthy compared to other people of her age. she has her first grandchild from my younger brother, and is right now taking up her time. but really, it was me whom she really wanted to see her first grandchild (naturally, i'm the panganay). i would jokingly tell her and my aunt that i'll marry when i'm 40, and take an 18 year old as my wife. hehe.
about the house
- well, it's old. the walls have holes you could peep through. i'm sure when the next typhoon comes, it'll have it's share of drips. i've been asking mom how much is to renovate a house. she said "millions". alright. i have a hundred thousand. that should be a start. reminds me how i am such a sloth when i'm here. that's why i like going home. i could just lie around, surf the net without so much as a care in the world. i have been spared of the house chores ever since i had a job. still, i miss raking the coffee beans outside or picking them from trees. we no longer have the coffee plantations my parents inherited. i wish they didn't sell it. despite the fact i don't know what i'll do with it in case it was passed on to me. still, i've always been someone who had strong ties with the land. i missed the days i would crawl underneath coffee trees and smell the fragrance of dried leaves and flowers.
about the girls
- it's not a girl-free year last year. back in december, i broke up with my girlfriend, Gigi. she's a marriageable person naman e. and i think i'm capable of being a good hubby. it's just well ... it's the most considerate thing to do with what's happening. rather than drag it on trying to re-ignite the fire, i'd rather leave while i'm in love. i'm becoming more of a monster lately, just imagine we only lasted for four months !! i mean, we had a great thing going. we're just perfect for god's sakes. i gradually realized that i had to bail out because i saw it coming: where did my passion go? i simply just went number and number by the day. at least ... i was able to do something about it unlike before. this time, i managed to salvage our friendship. the one thing we built before it became us. hay. reminds me of the one who came before her. now she took the full brunt of my emotional illness. i know when she was crying in her bed (umm, she has this knack of crying about everything anyway). hay. i need to patch up my frienship with her too. for some reason i still hate her. what to do, what to do.
about my career
- it's been in a rut for the longest time. i've always told people that i'm burnt with my career. but i'm beginning to think it's not really that simple. perhaps, i encountered the wrong people along the way, especially that asshole i still have a lingering anger with. i've wasted my talents i had and came down to become this absent-minded dingbat who keeps playing battle.net on weekends. i've asked myself where i'm going. and why should i go there. the years have sapped away all my ambitions. probably seen too many dreams shattered that it's getting in to me. i've lost my pride in my work the day i ceased being the perfectionist that i am. and i'm writing in choppy sentences. now what's with me? looks like working in australia wouldn't be so bad. or a minor lobotomy operation.
about the past years
- actually nga naman, all my promises for each year has been fulfilled. only, what i intended for each of those goals was to re-complete myself. find my fire so to speak. or maybe i'm looking at it all wrong? anyway, i can still proudly say i have wisened throughout the years. i'm 27. and i think i won't go back to what i was before -- the insecurity -- the extreme bottled emotions -- i could say i prefer being this way. mmmmm.
i'm hungry.
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Monday, January 5[12:57 AM] well, we're friends again. yay !!
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